Excerpts from the book "Manhood" by Steve Biddulph
"Each morning, if the weather was fine, the man used to walk his six-year old son to school. They lived in a quiet country town, and it was a beautiful downhill walk. The boy would skip and run about, pointing out birds, insect life, ripening blackberries. As they drew closer to the school, though, a curious change always came over the boy. A change which saddened the father, for he knew what it was. The boy's voice deepened, his shoulders tensed up, his face got serious. He was putting on the armour all males (in this culture) feel they must wear."
and
"The Men's Movement traces many problems of boys - especially violence and misbehaviour - to an unconscious expression of father-hunger. By playing up, boys and young men are showing their need to be engaged, valued and disciplined by strong, loving male figures.
Female teachers often have horrendous, fruitless struggles with 'high need' boys who have little respect for women and who prevent the whole class from learning in the meantime. Even the most effective and experienced female teachers have told us they feel the boys are needing - virtually asking for - something that they, as women, cannot offer. They can achieve a truce, a feeling of respect, but still feel that these boys and young men need something more.
Women teachers should not have to struggle continually with boys who need something they cannot provide. They should get much better back-up and be relieved of being at 'the sharp end' with troubled boys. Such boys should be especially targeted for male attention. The should not be just punitive attention but preventive and long-term involvement aimed at giving them a positive, masculine self-image."
and...
"Early in my fathering career, I thought that I was just an accessory in my children's lives, a bit of light entertainment for them - my partner's helpmate in parenting. I assumed that the best sort of father was a kind of imitation mother. What's more, it suited me to retreat to the safe and manageable world of work, where I was usually successful and respected, as opposed to the messiness and risk of taking young children shopping or being stuck inside with toddlers on a rainy day!
Now I see my job as being equal to that of my partner. I have become more comfortable and challenged by the role of being a dad - my life is so much happier. I do not (and this is very important) spend time with my children out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but because it feeds my soul and is a job I am proud of doing well. I often feel painfully unprepared for the job, and I frequently 'get it wrong'. I am committed to finding out how to father well, by consulting with my partner, by reading and, especially, by talking to other men about how they are doing it.
Fathering is a vital, honourable and essential part of the fabric of human life. And it's time we acknowledged that. "
and...
" Children of both sexes love to get down on the floor and play rough and tumble, be held in the air, be tickled, try to pin your arms down, play games of all kinds. Boys who feel secure will especially love their fathers or other men to do this with them and they thrive on the competition of matching strength and agility.
Several important and symbolic shifts are made in doing this seemingly fun activity. The first is 'not hurting'. Inevitably, a child wrestling on the carpet will hurt an adult by being too boisterous, not careful enough with an elbow or a knee! If this happens, the father stops the action, and says clearly to the boy, 'You can play-fight without hurting. You're too precious and I'm too precious to be hurt. Will you be careful while you are fighting not to hit or hurt?'
The boy usually agrees. It will happen more than once, of course, and be handled the same way. If it means stopping because the child is just too hyped-up to exercise self-control, then there's a lesson in this too. But the aim is for them to learn how to fight without harm, to use lots of strength but not hurt themselves or others.
A potent lesson is being learnt here. When the boy is older, he will almost inevitably become stronger and larger than his girlfriend or wife. He must know how to debate, take criticism, experience strong emotions and, at the same time, never use his physical strength to dominate or hurt her. The restraint learned by actual wrestling will come in handy in the verbal wrestling which all couples need to do from time to time. The boy learns to contain his strength, from the example of a father who never hurts him and who doesn't allow him to hurt others.
Wrestling is, without a doubt, a competition. This also carries an important symbolic message. This is that he is just a boy and not the boss. A father wrestles with his son sometimes *to win.* So the end point is (at least most of the time) the son getting pinned down, after a long, enjoyable struggle and 'giving in' - calling quits, admitting he lost. This takes balance. Winning shouldn't always be the aim. But if a boy is getting cocky, becoming a discipline problem, the often some play-fighting is more useful and (symbolically) more 'friendly' than a straight-out disciplinary action. The cue for this is when the boy uses something really trivial to provoke your attention and has a certain gleam in his eyes that says, 'Stop me, Dad!' It's especially needed by four to six year olds, in our experience, but it doesn't stop there! "